“A pattern you’ve noticed throughout the course of your past relationships?”
“Laugh now, cry later…”
A word that often gets associated with me aside from the word “bald” is, “funny”. Over time I’ve become more aware of the fact that once the laughter stops and the “other side” is shown, there’s a sudden switch. The relationship is being used very vaguely, intentionally. Mainly because this has been a constant throughout all forms of relation whether it be romantic, plutonic otherwise. Due to this pattern I’ve developed a coping mechanism that was more of a protective measure to guard against the let down that came with finally giving access to all sides of me. In one of my therapy sessions years ago, my therapist brought to my attention that I’d formed a bad habit of “leading with laughter” as a way to present the most digestible part of me. Which threw me completely off because I’d assumed I was that way because I genuinely enjoyed making other people laugh. Fast forward, I’m doing as I always do…I like to run self awareness checks on occasion just to as a way to recalibrate my bearings. During one of these checks I took an inventory of those who I deemed close to me as well those I consider to be…at “arms length”. Another layer I wanted to peel back was, the types of conversations that are had and how they affect the relationship going forward. Throughout some of these assessments I realized that becoming digestible for others became more of a detriment than anything. I adopted a mantra for myself that some may not agree with but….it’s substantial for growth…”show them your ugly…”. I use that to remind myself that it’s ok to bare your ugliness fully in order to give someone the opportunity to decide whether or not they’re willing to stick around to realize the beauty in your ugly. Also, to fully appreciate the beautiful aspects of you. Of course the laughter and the lighter times are always enjoyable but…it’s the heavy moments that will test the strength of any bond.
Respect. 