I Love It Here.

Bismillah.

Recently I was asked by my therapist, “What do you love most about yourself?”. I paused for a second because I didn’t want my answer to sound too cocky or like bullshit. And after about 30 seconds of thinking. I blurted out “everything for once”. Granted we’re on FaceTime so I got to see her facial expression and I laughed. She looked shocked and pleased at the same time. I guess in her mind she was expecting me to list a few things and we’d spend the next hour or so talking about that, but not this time! She went on to ask when I came to that conclusion and told her a few days ago when I woke up. Comparing this thought process to December when I had my breakdown, I’ve done a total 360 and I can’t go back. She went on to explain how very few people legitimately love themselves fully. Which I thought was a common thing, you know since you hear it so much. But after speaking with her about it, it made think about back to a time when I asked a woman I was getting to know what she loved about herself. It took her a good 10 minutes to respond. Once that question got answered I went on to ask her if she was in love with herself and she kind of danced around the question which explained a lot! But what I didn’t realize was I needed to ask myself the same exact questions! “Do I love me?” “Am I in love with myself?” At that time the answers would’ve been a hard no. But as time went on and I learned how to love myself outside of the confines of the normal measures of self-love, that’s when it clicked!

I started to put my thoughts, feelings and ambitions first. I always felt bad if I didn’t put the other person first. But that’s what we’re taught…everyone else and then you. But that may the most ass backwards way of teaching I’ve heard of. Don’t get me wrong we all know that in order to be truly successful you must be a servant. It’s also understood that you can’t be at full strength if you’re always lending yourself out. She(my therapist) taught me that the first step in loving yourself is, having enough confidence to say no and mean it. It’s ok…of they mess with you like they say they do they’ll understand. Plus, honesty is the best policy or whatever. The next step I had to take was allowing myself to chill. Being a pleaser, I’m always pressing. A prime example of that is this, ,my writing. On the those days when I have writer’s block, I have habit of getting mad and trying to force my own hand. While at the same time reminding myself of what I’ve said from the beginning, “if it’s forced, I’m not putting it out!”. And that’s definitely been happening over the last few days, there are about 5 poems that I’ve scrapped because they were just written and not felt. So when that happens go straight into mediation mode or just sit and listen to my thoughts. Once I’m finished with that it’s like the world opens back up and the words flow again. She even went as far as to say that I’ve in a sense become my own therapist and that is a sign of a healed person! I thoroughly disagree but she the pro not me.

Whether I’m fully healed or not, I can say it feels good to have love of self or as the Greek call it “Philautia”. One of the best benefits of this, is being able to spot bullshit from a mile away and being able to honestly say “nah, I’m good!’. Looking back I feel like I could’ve avoided a lot of headaches and drama had I loved myself more. Things I let fly, would’e been cut off from the rip! But you know how it goes, you live and you learn. Something else I’ve noticed about myself is how effortlessly I can shrug off things I don’t feel serve me or my purpose. I also respect my space and time a lot more. No more of putting myself in those situations where I say yes but immediately after I regret it lol. I love myself too much to do that. Also being in this mental space has brought so much peace it’s scary! I mean it’s only scary because I’m not familiar with it but I’m slowly learning to embrace it for what it is. MY peace!

Asalaamu alaykum.