Fear’s Eulogy

Bismillah.

All of this time I’ve spent in the house alone has been paying off way more than I thought it would. I swore I was going to get cabin fever within the first day and that definitely was not the case! I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed every second of it, not because of the fact that I don’t have to deal with people but because I’m finally learning how to enjoy my own company. The biggest difference I’ve noticed within myself is the fact that I can now process certain thoughts and emotions without being overcome by them. Just sitting in the house doesn’t lead me to dark place like it use to. Don’t get me wrong my brain sometimes goes dark for a second, but I’ve gained enough control over these thoughts that I can now consciously bring myself back to what I call “my grateful place”. It’s somewhere I can go to constantly remind myself that it’s ok to think these things, and they’re mere thoughts at this point and the only way they’ll manifest into anything further is if I let them. There was a time not too long ago, where I would’ve gotten totally consumed by whatever was weighing heavy on my conscious and it would eventually take over every aspect of my life. The fact that I can pinpoint where this new way of thinking began, lets me know that it was something I’d longed for but for one reason or another the pieces weren’t there for me to achieve it.

Fast forward to today…

I’m sitting on the couch enjoying my lil snacky snack, watching one of my favorite podcasts called “Hotboxin’ With Mike Tyson”. In this particular episode he and his co-host were interviewing the legend Sugar Ray Leonard! One of the things that Mike touched on was his fear of becoming the person he was during his fighting days, and that got me to thinking about what I thought was my biggest fear in the world. At one point it was the fear of not being accepted. The people that I grew up with can tell you, I’ve had an old soul since birth and being an old school as a kid definitely wasn’t it lol. So, I always felt out of place not because people made me feel that way but because that fear was telling me I didn’t fit in. But of course as I got older I grew into myself and began to feel more and more comfortable with being old lol. Once I overcame that fear, becoming a better version of myself became a lot easier! So I thought, and I was way off on that assumption lol. It was the fear of my own anger, that was my biggest fear.

Now I say “was” because I was today years old when I realized, I’d been controlling it my entire life and that there was no reason to live in fear of it anymore! Since a kid I could always sense when I was about to lose my temper and stop myself. It wasn’t for my own safety it was more for their’s lol, I didn’t know what I was capable of and didn’t want to find out. I’m just glad I got a hold of it when I did!! I surely could’ve grown up to be one of those people that black out and do crazy things, only to wake up and realized that I’d done something that there’s no coming back from! So I say take this time to dig deep into yourself and start to process those things that you may have locked away. Simply because you never know what you might’ve conquered a long time ago but because fear had a hold on you, it won’t allow you to notice it.

Asalaamu Alaykum.