A Mother’s Love….

As stated in my previous post(that hopefully you’ve read by now) my mom became one of my spirit guides when I was 16.

And like most people in my situation it wasn’t about me, it immediately became about my grandparents…they’d lost their only child! Which I pray to Allah never happens to me. But in that space in time I saw first hand the devastation that comes with such an event. But I couldn’t cry about it I had to be a man…at least I thought I was being a man. I’d fight my tears any time I felt excess water filling up in my eyes, any time someone would bring it up I’d change the conversation so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I did this for a good 16 years.

Until Mother’s Day of 2018…I had just gotten off work and was sitting the parking garage of the apartment building I lived in. Sat in the car for a few minutes sending off “Happy Mother’s Day” texts and it hit me….”what would it be like if I was able to text my mom!” like how would our convos go? Would it be the typical “ok mom I got it! You can stop yelling now!” conversation? And as soon as those thoughts appeared all of the tears I fought for so long flooded my face.

Fast forward about a year…I’m in Vegas with my family and my girlfriend at the time blurted out “your mom and dad are over there!” My response, “my mom’s not here!” but little did she know that would set off a flood of emotions. I simply reacted versus being my normal “think first speak second” self. I immediately went into shut down mode and stop talking to her….which she didn’t deserve…it literally was a slip of the tongue. Once we cooled down we talked about what happened and at one point in the conversation she yelled “YOU NEED TO STOP BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THIS WOMAN CAME INTO YOUR LIFE AND EVEN WANTS TO BE YOUR MOTHER!…FUCK!” And she was absolutely right!

When I was about 10 my dad started dating who is now my step mom (in name only…she’s way more than that!) but up until that moment in Vegas I kept a barrier up that I swore no one knew was there but me…I was dead wrong lol. She wasn’t trying to take my mom’s place at all, she just wanted me to know that she accepted me as her’s…but because I’d never fully grieved my mother returning to her essence there was no room for me to process such a thing. Everything was reactionary versus just being present in what was happening and experiencing it at its fullest.

Now as a 34 year old man that finally understands that the first step to resolving any issue is acceptance…I genuinely wish that I had taken the time to sit and process what all was going on even through the eyes of 16 year old.