Don’t say that!!

First things first….As-salamu alaykum!

Since I’ve been away from home(Washington) I’ve tried to create a new morning routine which includes meditation as soon as I wake up for like the first 15-20 minutes to just to give my spirit a chance align itself with the mother/father God aka the universe! And then once I complete that I drink some water and proceed to figure out what I want to spew about that day lol.

Well…I decided today would be the day that I’d talk about the still growing relationship I have with my pop! Now had someone suggested my father and I would be the way we are today back when I was younger…I would’ve asked them if they put cocaine on their Frosted Flakes because they’d have to be high as a kite! But that was before adulthood kicked in and I got to see and hear different accounts of what shaped our early relationship.

Now…I had this real bad idea that I wasn’t the son my dad wanted simply because in my mind I wasn’t like him or so I thought!!! Fast forward to the present we’re so much alike we can only be around each other for so long before the bickering begins(usually on his end, I be chillin). But as I was saying I watched him raise my other siblings and always wondered “how come I’m always the odd man out?” But what I wasn’t looking at was…there were gatekeepers involved! You know those people that keep just enough space from you and what could be! I’m not going to go into detail about who they are/were but they were very present.

Because of this distance I never really looked at him as “MY dad”…I would always differentiate between he and grandfather “Daddy Troy” or “Daddy Bub” because that was the way I was shown to not confuse the two. So because I didn’t live with him he was just someone I kept being told I looked like but I couldn’t make the connection. And I carried this mindset until I was about 16 which I honestly believe is our relationship changed for the better.

On August 25, 2002 my mother passed from cancer…and this was the first time that I’d physically seen that my father cared…that’s not to say that he hadn’t previously to that but it was the first time I recognized it. And for me that HUGE! It was almost like “wow this nigga likes me!” And from then on it was something different in the way we interacted with each other…I’d found myself actually going to him for advice on whatever I needed help with…it even got to a point where we hung out almost everyday!

But one reoccurring theme I noticed was that there was something I use to say that stuck with him even until this day. And that’s whenever someone would call me “Lil Troy” or say that I was twin is always get mad and say “NO I DONT!” or “DONT SAY THAT!” or say that I hated the fact that I looked like him! But I would didn’t realize was that every time I’d say it…it hurt him! He’s alike like me very nonchalant doesn’t show too much expression or will convey how he’s through a joke or quick jab.

We were on the phone recently and he shot a lil jab something like “oh yea because you’ve hated looking like me!” And it hit me like “yo…that really stuck with him!” Mind you I haven’t felt that way since I was 16 nor have I said anything remotely close to it since. But I tried to keep reminding him that it wasn’t like that…I’m glad I got his looks…shit they’ve working for me thus far lol. I’m just glad that he and I got things straight…because holding on to stuff like that isn’t healthy for either side. If there’s an issue address it respectfully and if need be agree to disagree.