Talk it out!

I’m going to ramble a little bit…bare with me lol

Mid February 2014…I was in the galley cleaning off the grill I just finished cooking pork chops on. She came by the galley looking for her friend that’d been working as an FSA(Food Service Attendant)…if you know you know. So, I went and got her friend for her and as she walked off I caught a whiff of the perfume she was wearing and was stuck! Lol

Now intrigued I asked if she was single, her friend said “yea, why? You like her?” Me trying to play it cool wasn’t going to outright admit it…but ya damn right I did! She was exactly what I liked…tall, yellow and thick! Fast forward a week or two later and we got set up lol(those assholes played it perfectly too!).

We dated for about 4 months before we got engaged and it was another 11 or so months before we got married.

Now…at one point I would’ve most definitely told you you were absolutely stupid if you would’ve told me I was not ready for marriage! Why? Because I thought by watching my grandparents I could just immolate what they did and I’d be just fine. WRONG….I was in no way, shape or form ready to be the head of a household. Mentally, emotionally or spiritually, I still a fuck ton of growing up to do and that got exposed within the first month of us being married!

I’m not going to go into details as to what happened but just know….I got faced with a decision…made the wrong one and it carried on throughout the remainder of our marriage. This was the first of many times where had I communicated properly a lot of yelling and headaches couldn’t been saved!

Sad to say but horrible communication on my part played a huge part in our marriage ending the way it did. I’ve always had a problem with trying to spare people’s feelings in the moment instead of just being direct and dealing with the issue right then and there. I came across a post on Facebook that referenced how your partner is a direct reflection of you! If they’re loved properly everything about them will glow but if the opposite occurs you’ll notice as well. That was a concept I never picked up on…until now! Some would say “oh well too late…you fucked up” but not really, life is nothing but one learning experience after another. I took what I learned from what I went through and apply where necessary.

I didn’t see it back then but I for sure see it now…she was simply playing off of me! Now in the moment I was frustrated at her frustration because I may have heard what was being said but I wasn’t processing it…I guess it was the narcissist in me that somehow wanted pity for a bad performance lol. I’d have excuse after excuse as to why shit wasn’t getting done and wondering why I was getting looked at like I was stupid. But in the end I learned way more about myself than I would’ve had I not gone through it.

I bit off waaaaaay more than I could chew but talked myself out of speaking up so many times! So in turn every time a simple conversation was needed we argued instead…which eventually turned to resentment which eventually lead to us simply existing as two separate people instead of a unit which is very necessary!

And I can for sure say next time around won’t be the same! I’m not where I need to be yet…but I’m definitely not where I was and I’m cool with that.